


and we learn, we learn (what it means to believe)

by isuilde



Category: Katsugeki Touken Ranbu, 刀剣乱舞 | Touken Ranbu
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Yagen-centric, kinda sorta maybe???, no romance buuuuuut...., this was written to katsugeki characters' image
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-12-25 02:00:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12025725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isuilde/pseuds/isuilde
Summary: Once upon a time, there was a Citadel that could not keep its Saniwa.Yagen Toushirou lives in this Citadel, and thinks he understands how the world works. He's not exactly wrong.He just hasn't learned the entirety of it yet.(Written to the image of Katsugeki's Saniwa and Citadel and its residents.)





	and we learn, we learn (what it means to believe)

**Author's Note:**

> So this was originally an idea I toyed with way back right after Katsugeki's second episode aired. There was surprise at how cool bordering on cold Yagen seemed to be, and a bunch of people ag the JP fandom was like "could it be that Yagen is actually one of Saniwa's older swords and had seen countless of his friends broke, and now decided to keep his distance?"
> 
> It gave me a plot bunny. I ran with it. Katsugeki obviously jossed it, but as it is, this entire fic is already written with Katsugeki's image so just. Run with it, yeah?
> 
> IMPORTANT! I'm pretty much trying to use gender neutral pronoun for Saniwa because we still don't know if Katsugeki Saniwa is female, male, or other. 
> 
> It exploded past 10k. I have no idea how. Regardless, I hope you'd enjoy this monstrosity!

Once upon a time, there was a Citadel that could not keep their Saniwa.

Their first Saniwa summoned three swords before he resigned for unknown reasons: Kashuu Kiyomitsu, Yagen Toushirou, and Imanotsurugi. The next Saniwa was a petit young woman who clearly had no interest in holding the position long; she provided all the spiritual energy needed to maintain the three present swords in their human forms as they battled against the enemies, until the next Saniwa came along and took over. He summoned more swords, enough for the Citadel to finally have two full units, but then one day he left and simply did not come back.

Their fourth came about a week later, a bossy middle-aged man nobody liked, and had too little care for the swords. He summoned another four swords, but then lost an entire unit in the battle raging on Honnouji. He disappeared too, then, leaving their second Saniwa to reappear and grumpily took over the responsibility of providing energy. She stayed an entire month, in which another two swords were lost to the battle, and it was then the fifth Saniwa appeared.

The fifth Saniwa never saw them as beings more than swords. She has a talent in forging and summoning more swords, yes, and the number of swords in their Citadel even reached an overwhelming forty for the first time, but she's too inexperienced in the battlefield. Or perhaps simply incompetent. Either way, they lose a few swords every other week at the hands of the enemies--incidents their Saniwa dismissively flicked a hand away and answered with, "it's fine, I'll just summon more. They'll appear again if summoned right, anyway."

Under the fifth Saniwa, the forging room always smelt like cherry blossoms, and the infirmary like blood and death.

By the time their sixth Saniwa takes over the Citadel--all impressive spiritual powers contained in a body that looks too small and a pair of eyes that look too determined--there are fifty-seven swords in the Citadel, and only a handful of them are the first of their kind.

And among those firsts, of the three swords who had been summoned from the very start, Yagen Toushirou is the only one left.

**\-----o0o-----**

On nights where the missions are easy enough that he has the chance to pause and count the stars, Yagen wonders why their Masters didn't stay.

Perhaps it's simply because the job isn't easy. Perhaps because their Citadel manisfested in such a bad way that summoning swords drains them twice as much energy and twice as long. Perhaps because they aren't doing enough of a good job as swords, and their Masters just got fed up with them. Perhaps it's purely that they are not loved. Perhaps--and these are the worst nights that would later definitely bring him nightmares--their Masters were (are? Is their current Master, as well?) just _assholes._

Yagen hates the thought, because he's nothing but loyal to his Master. For one who was once owned by the Demon Lord, it should be impossible for him to accuse his Master of atrocious acts. No matter what sort of person his Master is, no matter whether or not he is loved, or how much they take things (people, friends, _family_ )Yagen would love them. Would be loyal to them, would stay by their side and protect them. After all, loyalty is what defines him--his name, his power, his legacy, his _legend_. If he resents his master, what else would be left?

**\-----o0o-----**

On the second night their sixth Saniwa takes over the Citadel, they call Yagen into their study and offered him a protective charm.

"I heard," is how they start the conversation. "That you're the only one who had been here since the very beginning."

It isn't true. The one who had been here from the very beginning was Kashuu--the first katana of the Citadel, summoned by their very first Saniwa. That Kashuu is, however, no longer here. Yagen had seen him shatter three times, wasn't there to see it for the other four times, but the current Kashuu residing in their Citadel right now is the eighth. The Kashuu who resides in the Citadel now doesn't know of the first day he learnt to till the land with Yagen, or the bath they shared in the aftermath of their first battle.

He says as much, by way of avoidance. "The only one left, yes."

Their new Master looks at him, eyes filled with sorrow, and Yagen feels something in him crack. "I'm so sorry."

He crooks a small, humorous smile. "Whatever for, Taishou?"

"That I hadn't been old enough to take over my brother when he resigned the first time, even if I had been the only one with enough power and had been qualified for it." One hand runs over Konnosuke's back, who's projecting previous battle reports over the table, and the rows of words and numbers vanish. "This Citadel had suffered too many losses."

That's okay, Yagen wants to say. That's okay, because they're swords. Objects, who just happen to be summoned in the form of human beings. As long as they could fulfill their duty, as long as they're still useful, as long as their Saniwa would _finally, finally stay_ \--

He doesn't, because a lump lodges itself in his throat. Instead, he closes his fist around the protective charm and smoothes his face. "It's inevitable, considering our battle."

His Master frowns. "I am genuinely sorry that you have come to think that way, Yagen Toushirou."

He doesn't answer to that, because there is nothing to say. He watches instead, quietly, as their Master swipes a thin knife from under the scrolls and presses the tip of their thumb against the blade until it draws blood. It drips lightly onto the table, and a small magic circle lights up.

"This is a vow I make as a Saniwa of this Citadel, and you stand here as my witness." Powers too strong, talents too great, all contained in seemingly too-small body, too-small an existence. But his Master stands tall, back straight and eyes unflinching, each drop of blood drank by the magic circle. "From here onwards, I shall not let any of the swords in this Citadel break."

Yagen's mouth falls open. "Taishou--"

"I shall do everything in my power to fulfill the missions given to this Citadel and prevent any of its swords from breaking. In the case of failure, the curse of history shall befall my existence."

The circle's light shimmers, a beautiful sparkle not unlike the lights that falls upon the golden crystal of the troops. Its lines wind one upon another, following the blood and leaping onto Saniwa's palm, then curving intricately around the base of their wrist.

"This, I swear."

"Taishou--!"

Something in Yagen's stomach curls, turning cold, even as the light finally fades. He reaches out, snatches his Master's still bleeding hand with a scolding ready on his lips, but it dies the second his eyes rise to see his Master's face--a small smile, half-amused and yet happy, and Yagen forgets what he's about to say.

"You're very kind, Yagen-san."

Yagen's throat works. "Taishou," he begins, but he cannot think of anything but _I shall not let any swords in this Citadel break_ and _This I swear_. "You shouldn't have--"

"I want you to trust me," his Master states. "All of you. And after everything--everyone you lost, this is the least I have to do."

He keeps the charm in his pocket, doesn't even show it to Ichigo when they bump onto one another later in the hallway. Ichigo reaches out and tilts his head up with a finger, a look of worry in his eyes, and asks, "Yagen? You look like you're about to cry."

Once, Yagen heard about how hope is a crueler thing than despair.

He thinks he knows what it means, now.

**\-----o0o-----**

He doesn't tell anyone else that he keeps count--it's not like he does it consciously, really. But he's smart, he likes learning, and he's good at watching (the enemies, situations, things, _people_ ), and so Yagen finds himself keeping count of the current Citadel residents.

Kogitsunemaru, the second--the first had broken on a mission to Ikedaya. Hotarumaru, the fourth. Kousetsu Samonji, also the fourth, and it's probably a good thing that this Kousetsu Samonji has never witnessed Souza Samonji shattering nine times, or worse yet, Sayo Samonji broken for the twentieth time. Izuminokami Kanesada, the eighth, who had recently found the sixteenth Horikawa Kunihiro but wasn't the one who saw the fifteenth one break at Edo Castle.

Honebami Toushirou, the ninth, summoned after the eighth broke alongside the twelfth Namazuo Toushirou. Aizen Kunitoshi, the seventeenth. Akita Toushirou and Maeda Toushirou, both the twenty-third, and Gokotai, the twenty-fifth. Midare Toushirou, the twenty-seventh. Tantou had been extremely dispensable, according to their fifth Master, who had had no qualms sending newly summoned Tantou to the harshest of battlefield, prepared to summon more when they never made it home.

Nakigitsune, the sixth. Uguisumaru, the fourth. Tsurumaru Kuninaga, the third. Mikazuki Munechika, the second. Juzumaru, the first, born quite shortly before their fifth Master was replaced.

Ichigo Hitofuri, the first, summoned by their third Master right before he disappeared; the only katana other than Yagen who had witnessed the annihilation of an entire unit in Honnouji and still survives until today.

**\-----o0o-----**

The first time Yagen lost his brothers, it was in the battle of Honnouji.

There were only sixteen swords back then--the three first swords summoned by the first Master except Yagen were in the first unit, along with Jiroumaru, Shokudaikiri Mitsutada, Heshikiri Hasebe and Shishiou. Yagen led the second unit, a full team of all-Toushirou swords with Midare, Maeda, Gokotai, Akita, and Ichigo Hitofuri. The rest of the four were all swords summoned by their fourth Master: Souza and Sayo Samonji, Yamatonokami Yasusada, and Horikawa Kunihiro.

He couldn't quite remember what exactly happened that day--most of his memories of the battle is blurry now, and he still wonders if it's one of those human self-defense thing (he remembers reading it somewhere, repressed memory or something like that). He remembers everything before the sortie, though--remembers how Ichigo had been pulled out of the unit because the repairs aren't done yet, remembers how their Master put Horikawa in his team instead. He remembers going into the infirmary with his brothers before leaving, remembers Midare hanging off Ichigo's left arm and Gokotai's tiger cubs burrowing into Ichigo's blankets, remembers watching his younger brothers laugh a confident _"We'll be going!"_ , remembers looking at Ichigo with a small smirk and--

_"It'll be fine, Ichi-nii. You just focus on getting better so we can all sortie together next time, yeah?"_

He doesn't remember much after. Only the sharp edge of Akita's broken blade slicing into his palms and the rain of blood--Maeda's? Midare's? Gokotai's?--that seemingly blur amongst the flames eating Honnouji down. Horikawa's voice, screaming at him, and then there were figures descending in the battlefield even as Horikawa's scream ended in a wet, gurgling pain, and Yagen could never remember the rest.

The next thing he could recall was staring at Yasusada's crumpled form in the middle of the dojo, face red and streaked with tears, Mitsutada's arms around him in a manner that suggested he's holding him back. Yagen's cheek had flared with a familiar burn of receiving a solid punch, and Ichigo had one protective arm around his shoulders, tensed and ready to spring at the first sign of aggression. It was five days after the mission to Honnouji, and the Citadel was heavy with the very presence of death.

He'd read the mission report afterwards. All members of the second unit annihilated, except Yagen Toushirou. The first unit had come after them as reinforcement, barely managing to defeat the Revisionists' Army, but in saving Yagen Toushirou, Kashuu Kiyomitsu had been lost. A total of six swords broken--an entire unit.

Through all of it, Yagen did not cry.

**\-----o0o-----**

Their sixth Saniwa is powerful. Enough that more than two units are always constantly sent out to sortie, for days on end, and at one point Yagen realized that he's barely seen the Citadel in the past three months.

Through the intense sortie their Master organizes, none of the swords have ever broken. Yagen wonders why he couldn't muster the will to be happier about it--their Master is somehow fulfilling the vow he'd witnessed, is that not a good thing?--but even as he learns from Konnosuke of missions after missions completed by other teams, there's still a nagging feeling at the back of his mind: _this is not going to last_.

Sooner or later--sooner or later, it would either be another loss, or watching their Master leave for the sixth time.

"Mission completed," Konnosuke's almost mechanical lilt filters in, and Yagen leaves the thought to be revisited later. "There has been no further order from the Saniwa. The second unit is to rendezvous with the first unit and then come back to the Citadel."

Horikawa's eyebrows climb up in surprise, pausing as he hands a haori to Izuminokami Kanesada. "The first unit is here?"

"Same era, different region," Izuminokami grunts, shrugging the haori on and covering his bare arms. It's no longer snowing, unlike earlier this morning, but the winter chill bites all the same. "It'll take us three days on foot to reach our rendezvous point."

"There's a group of merchants heading out this evening," Tonbokiri pipes in helpfully over Mutsunokami's long groan at the idea of traveling on foot for three days. "We can ask them for a ride?"

Izuminokami makes a face, presumably because that idea requires them to spend money and probably also because he thinks Mutsunokami is a spoiled brat, but clearly he agrees that anything's better than traveling on foot for three days. Sometimes Yagen wonders if this is just one of the consequences of manifesting as humans in an era where technology is at its peak. "Fine, let's ask the merchants."

A light pat on his shoulder draws Yagen's attention to Tsurumaru, who grins down at him. "The first unit, huh? That'd be nice, you haven't seen your brothers in some time, right?"

Yagen tries to remember the swords assigned to the first unit, brows furrowing slightly because he doesn't remember any of his brothers being assigned there. "My brothers?"

"Oh? You didn't hear? I thought Konnosuke would have told you." Tsurumaru withdraws his hands, seemingly comfortable despite the fact that his sleeves had been dyed red by the blood of their slain enemies. "Honebami Toushirou was assigned to the first unit shortly before I was sent here to join you guys. Ichigo didn't seem pleased about it."

Yagen eyes him with the slightest bit of exasperation, because both he and Tsurumaru know that Ichigo never likes seeing any of his brothers sortie out--this Tsurumaru might have been the third one, but he'd seen too many Toushirou tantou perished in the battlefield under the reign of their fifth Saniwa. Given a choice, Yagen would rather be sortied himself than any of his brothers, too, but his Master's decision is absolute. It's not something to be questioned, like or dislike; just the truth they all need to obey.

Besides, inexperienced some of them might be, they're still swords. All sharp edges and capable to _hurt_.

The prospect of seeing Honebami before they go back to the Citadel is heartening, nonetheless. "I see," he tells Tsurumaru, by way of expressing _I'm looking forward to it_. "It'd be nice to see the first unit."

Tsurumaru chuckles, like he inwardly knows that Yagen is trying to remember who else are the members of the first unit. Mikazuki Munechika, Yagen thinks, would be there, as well as Oodenta Mitsuyo, simply because they're both of the Tenka Goken. Honebami would be there, and most likely Yamanbagiri Kunihiro, and Yagen's mind draws a blank afterwards.

Maybe Uguisumaru? It could even be Kousetsu Samonji, or even Imanotsurugi. Strength has never been the only consideration their Master takes when they assemble a unit, after all.

**\-----o0o-----**

The last members of the first unit Yagen couldn't remember turns out to be the Genji brothers.

The two of them happen to spot the second unit first at the entrance to the small village they're scheduled to rendezvous in. Yagen isn't very surprised that they're assigned in the same unit--Hizamaru is the worst when he gets separated from his older brother. He still remembers how devastated the second Hizamaru had been when the first Higekiri had shattered in a battle, remembers the broken wail that cuts through the battlefield's night sky right before he threw himself recklessly into the enemies, ending up in pieces himself in a matter of minutes. Twins, they say, have a bond no one else could understand.

This Hizamaru who greets him is the third, but his smile is just as cheeky as his predecessors. "We didn't think you guys would make it in time."

Izuminokami frowns. "That sounds like you're underestimating us."

"None of the sort," Higekiri--the second, summoned very early by their fifth Saniwa--sweeps in, the air around him holding a seemingly ethereal quality as usual. "There was a new directive from Saniwa. The History Revisionists seem to have appeared in another town nearby, most likely scouts, and we were asked to eradicate them before going home."

"With the assistance of the second unit," Hizamaru finishes, grinning playfully, earning an affronted glare from both Izuminokami and Mutsunokami.

The Genji brothers take them over to a shrine where the rest of the first unit are gathered, preparing for their new mission. They only have half an hour before their scheduled departure, so it's not like the second unit could take a proper breather, but at the very least they could stretch their legs. The members of the first unit are still busy strapping their armors back when they arrive, but Yagen could see Honebami at the back.

Honebami, who perks up at their arrival and stops everything he does in favor of rushing towards him. "Yagen," he says, a smile on his lips as he reaches out, one hand finding the top of Yagen's head to ruffle his hair briefly. "It's good to see you."

"Honebami-nii," he replies, the corners of his lips tugging up warmly almost instinctively. He still hasn't gotten very used to this Honebami's more affective gestures, compared to the previous eighth Honebami who had shattered in the darkness of Ikedaya. "Thank you for your hard work."

"You too," Honebami nods, though his eyes are attentive, taking in every inch of Yagen he could see. Not that Yagen blames him--not when he's doing it himself. "You're not injured?"

"No." Yagen's eyes shift to Honebami's arm, noticing the purple bindings of his armoured sleeve are still unfastened. "Are you?"

Honebami smiles. "Not a scratch." He doesn't draw away when Yagen reaches for the purple bindings, tying them properly around the armoured sleeve. "It's because everyone else in the first unit is so dependable."

Mikazuki's familiar laughter answers. "Nonsense," he calls out gently from behind Honebami. "Your strength has been a very valuable asset for us, Honebami Toushirou. Isn't that right, Yamanbagiri-taichou?"

Yamanbagiri seems to think that he doesn't need to deign that remark with an answer. Instead, he tilts his head towards Honebami and says, "Could you take a look at this map, Honebami," and Honebami tugs his hand away once Yagen finishes tying the purple bindings, leaving him with a nod and a smile before going over to Yamanbagiri.

"I'm surprised," Horikawa's voice drifts over, and Yagen turns to find the wakizashi standing right next to him. Their eyes meet, and Horikawa's smile widens. "I didn't know you could smile like that, Yagen."

Yagen blinks. "Like that?"

"I mean, when you're with us, you smile too sometimes, but," Horikawa gestures to the air vaguely. "That was a very good smile."

There's no good way to explain to Horikawa that it's better to keep some distance, between swords, even if they all fight together and perhaps become sort of-friends. Emotional attachments to others simply means it would hurt so much more when someone is lost, and considering they're all swords whose reason for existence is to fight, they're bound to lose someone. Sooner or later, Yagen thinks, and gives Horikawa a bland, small smile. "It's just my usual smile."

Tsurumaru's laughter chimes in. "He's always like that when he's around the Awataguchi swords," he says teasingly, earning himself an exasperated look from Yagen. "What? I'm not wrong. You're all soft and mushy when you're around your brothers."

Yagen sighs, shaking his head in half-amusement. "I'm really not," he says, but his eyes goes back to follow Honebami's figure without any conscious thought--mind cataloguing the way Honebami moves about, the way he nods at the others, the way he speaks, and Yagen tries to remembers the first Honebami, tries to remember the way he had smiled, the way he had gestured. There's a familiar twinge somewhere in his chest when he thinks about seven other different Honebami Toushirou he had seen in his life, one that grows when he thinks about the what-ifs.

He thinks he shouldn't be so fond of them--every single on of his brothers, that is. It'd only make it that much harder when they lose one another.

Honebami looks up, glances back at him. Their eyes meet, and Honebami smiles.

Yagen closes his eyes, and wishes that loving his brothers isn't as easy as breathing.

**\-----o0o-----**

He gets injured in the battle afterwards. A long gash over his arm, one that makes Honebami's expression turn tight and stay that way all the way home. He's hustled straight away into infirmary once they arrive back in the Citadel, and Yagen greets the Saniwa with a reassuring smile and his usual, "It's just a scratch."

Their sixth Saniwa laughs like he's just told them a joke. There's a brief lilt of in their voice that betrays how young they are, despite all the power they hold and all the wisdom they put on display. "I think many of us would argue against that, Yagen-san."

The next fifteen minutes is spent in flurries of ofuda and the strange sensation of having his skin knitting back together by themselves, leaving no trace of injury except for the slight sense of oversensitivity. Yagen watches the Saniwa work, watches their power slowly mend the scratches over the blade of his sword, almost bewitched, until the Saniwa finally speaks up again: "I will be absent from the Citadel for a while starting the day after tomorrow."

Yagen starts, looks up. "Taishou?"

"In the duration in which I will be gone, I would like you to assume the role of my secretary," the Saniwa continues, voice even and steady. "You are the one sword who has been here the longest. I'd feel reassured if you'd help me with this."

He opens his mouth, closes it back. Remembers Kashuu--the first Kashuu, all those years back, offering him a small smile as he told him _Master said he would be gone for a while. Not sure how long, but I'm sure he'll be back._

Except their first Master had never come back.

He swallows, one hand slipping into the pocket of his shorts, finding the protective charm the Saniwa had given him. Taishou swore, Yagen thinks, tries to reassure himself, but the traitorous voice in the back of his head sneers because _Taishou swore that we would never lose anyone else, Taishou never swore to come back._ "How long--?"

The Saniwa hums thoughtfully. "I'm not sure yet. A couple of days, perhaps. Maybe a week and a half."

The faint glow of Saniwa's power slowly vanishes. When they look up to catch Yagen's eyes, they smile apologetically. "During my absence, no one is to be given any mission, so it would also be a few days off for everyone. It's a good time as any to get proper rest. I'll leave it to you and Heshikiri Hasebe to assign everyone on tasks around the Citadel--the Konnosukes would help as well."

"Well," Yagen replies, relieved when he managed to say them in a light voice. "I'll stay behind and make sure no one sets the Citadel on fire while you're gone."

The Saniwa's laughter is a genuine amusement, one with warmth that still resonates even as it peters off.

It doesn't settle the uneasiness lurking in the back if Yagen's mind.

**\-----o0o-----**

A month after their Citadel lost an entire unit at the battle of Honnouji and two weeks after their Saniwa vanished without a trace, Yagen finds Ichigo at the furthest corner of the Citadel backyard where almost no one ever comes to. There are stones half the size of his head scattered all around him as he sits on the ground, under the sweltering hot sun, carving.

"Ichi-nii," he calls, the name grates on his dry throat, and he coughs to clear it before trying again. "Ichi-nii."

The lines of Ichigo's figure stiffen, one short second where he looks like a marionette whose strings are suddenly cut, and then he turns slowly, a tight smile on his face. "Yagen."

For a few moments, they stare at each other, forgetting how to speak beyond each other's names.

That's when Yagen notices the carving stone in his brother's hand is flecked with red.

Blood, he thinks, and something in him goes cold. He starts forward, jerks into motion to drop on his knees by Ichigo's side, hands clasping carefully over Ichigo's bloodied one. He hisses at the sight of peeled skin, of all the dirt mixed with the blood. "Ichi-nii, what the hell--?"

"It's alright," Ichigo says, though he sounds nothing but. "I'm almost done carving. I just have to arrange the stones, and then I'll go and treat my hand properly."

Maybe it's the firm tone in Ichigo's words that somehow manages to override his shaky voice. Maybe it's the the way Ichigo's bloodied fingers curl back around the carving stone without hesitance. Maybe it's simply the look in his eyes, the one that tells Yagen he's not stopping even if Yagen tried to drag him off. Whatever it is, it takes away the fight in Yagen, and he lets Ichigo tug away his hand from his hold.

He watches then. Notices that there are six stones on the ground--four of them bearing the familiar sign of Awataguchi Yoshimitsu, similar to the one their father had painted and chiseled upon their blades. Each of the six stones have names carved carefully onto their surfaces--the names of the ones they had lost in the battle of Honnouji, Yagen realizes, and couldn't quite swallow the lump in his throat.

When Ichigo finishes carving the last stone (Horikawa Kunihiro, it says, long strokes carved onto rough surface and bathed with Ichigo's blood), he places the stone on Yagen's hands and leads him to arrange all six stones into a small row. A graveyard--a symbolic one, at least, and Yagen's eyes burn with unshed tears and the realization: "From now on, we will lose a lot more."

Ichigo's hand is red with blood and smeared with dirt, but he doesn't flinch when he squeezes Yagen's hand. "This row will only grow."

"It's what we're here for," Yagen says, but the words ring empty as he remembers that their Citadel doesn't even have a Master now. Perhaps their Master's disappearance is, too, one of their losses. "We're born to fight in the battlefield. It's only right that it's where we die."

"Perhaps," Ichigo answers, and there's something fierce in his voice, something like anger. "But it's also not wrong to treasure the life we've been given. As humans, but also as blades."

It isn't a sin to want to live.

Yagen knows. He thinks he knows better than most, because he knows, after all, how it feels to not being able to survive.

"Ichi-nii," he says, voice trembling in a frightening moment of laying himself bare, of opening up and letting himself be vulnerable. "Don't you leave, too."

Ichigo, wordlessly, pulls Yagen's hand and slashes his palm open with the carving stone. Pain flares, but Yagen doesn't flinch, doesn't pull away. Instead he squeezes Ichigo's hand back, stares at the blood dripping red petals onto the ground--his and Ichigo, the same red, the same pain.

"I will never," Ichigo says quietly, and the words are a vow. "I will always come back to you, Yagen. I promise. The two of us."

"The two of us," Yagen echoes. This is his vow, too. "We'll always come back to each other."

At the very least, until the very last, they would always have someone who would never leave.

**\-----o0o-----**

Ichigo finds him before he's even released from the infirmary.

The Konnosuke in charge of the infirmary has long learned that Ichigo Hitofuri doesn't listen--not when one of his brothers is inside, never when it's Yagen who is inside. He literally just barges in, and Yagen's chest flutters with fond exasperation that fills his entire being with warmth, trapped by Ichigo's arms now winding around him.

"I'm home," he says, even before Ichigo draws a trembling breath in his ear.

"Thank you for coming home safely," the reply is familiar, expected, a routine. Ichigo's hand presses gently against the back of his head, pushing him further into the crook of his neck, but Yagen doesn't protest. Instead, he inhales the familiar scent of his older brother, lets himself breathe in the warmth, the very presence, the very concept of home. Once upon a time, he would have pushed against Ichigo, maybe frowned and declared that he's not a kid, but he no longer has the heart to do so when he knows how much Ichigo needs this. Perhaps even more than he does himself.

After all, Yagen hadn't been the one who woke up to the news of how all of his brothers but one hadn't survived the battlefield.

It's another second before Ichigo finally let him go. His fingers brush against Yagen's arm, and Yagen wonders if Honebami had told Ichigo the details of his injury. "At least we'll all have a few days off after this?" he offers, but the words come out _wrong_ in his ears. He clears his throat and tries again. "Taishou said he'd be gone for a while."

Ichigo's hand comes to rest against his cheek, eyes soft. "Is that why you're making such a face?"

Of course Ichigo would see right through him. Yagen barks a soft, bitter laugh. "What face," he says, _challenges_ , and Ichigo leans in to brush his lips against Yagen's brows. "Ichi-nii--"

"Yagen," Ichigo murmurs. "I wish you would learn to believe."

In what, Yagen almost counters, but the pained look in Ichigo's eyes renders the words dead on the tip of his tongue. Ichigo Hitofuri, Yagen thinks almost wistfully, is a fool who is too smart for his own good.

He leans into Ichigo's touch, heavy against his cheek, warm and grounding. "I believe you, Ichi-nii."

He believes in Ichigo. In the vow they made. In a world precariously built on the faith that he would at least have Ichigo to come back to, even when no one else stays.

Even when his Master leaves.

Ichigo makes a sad noise, because he hears what Yagen doesn't say. Because he knows what Yagen would never say. His next words are muffled into the strands of Yagen's hair, but Yagen, too, knows Ichigo and hears what Ichigo says and tries to hide:

"I wish you believe in other things, too."

**\-----o0o-----**

Yagen never blames any of his Master.

The first Heshikiri Hasebe had been angry, when their third Master suddenly disappeared without a trace. And while everyone knows Hasebe is prone to yell after everyone, the anger that surfaces when he feels hurt is a different kind--a cold, quiet, almost dismissive kind that Yagen had grown familiar with from the rare times a drunk Hasebe talks about Oda Nobunaga. There's accusation in this kind of anger, one that places a brand of 'horrible' to memories of their (former) Master, but it isn't one Yagen could understand.

He's not angry. Complacent, perhaps, indifferent, maybe. But he's not angry, even if it does hurt when their Masters leave. Their Master is absolute, no matter who it is. It's the same. All that's there to it is to accept.

If the Master decides to leave, then all they could do is accept.

So Yagen learns to do so--by not expecting nor hoping, and he thinks Ichigo has mistaken that as _not believing_. Silly, that older brother of his.

From the very beginning, it has nothing to do with believing.

**\-----o0o-----**

Saniwa's work room is never exactly organized, but Yagen surprisingly finds it easy to navigate his way through everything--maps, documents, mission missives, globes of various sizes, encyclopedias, books of old and new. There's an odd pattern to where everything is stored, one that Yagen grows to enjoy figuring out by the third day of Saniwa's absence, much to Hasebe's exasperation.

"If only they would let me tidy things up," is how he grouches every time he comes into the room. "This room would have so much more space."

As a Secretary, Yagen can't exactly spend most of his days in the medicine storage room. He stays in Saniwa's work room instead, listening to Konnosukes making reports of literally everything, taking notes when it sounds important (which Hasebe would check later, if only for Hasebe's own peace of mind). He reads up battle statuses and reports, approves lists of groceries and supplies, checks on the Citadel's maintenance, and with Hasebe's help, assigns tasks to the resident swords.

Ichigo comes over once or twice during the day, and sends one of his brothers on evenings to drag Yagen out for dinner. Mikazuki Munechika, Kogitsunemaru, and Kogarasumaru sometimes drop by to browse or borrow books for tea companions, and sometimes a shenanigan (Tsurumaru most of the times, but the Tantous and Iwatooshi's games escalate pretty quickly sometimes too) causes too much ruckuss and breaks or destroys something, which Yagen has to deal with. All in all, though, the week without their Saniwa comes to an end rather peacefully, despite the growing restlessness the longer their Master's absence stretches.

"Oh," Hasebe says, the morning of a new week, when he goes into the work room and finds Yagen alone browsing reports on medicine supplies. "Master isn't back, yet."

Not a question--a statement. Yagen glances up at him, makes an acknowledging hum, and waves a sheet of paper he'd set aside earlier. "We need to assign more people to the field, it's almost harvest time."

"I'm sure some of us would be glad to be spared from cleaning duties," Hasebe answers dryly. He still hasn't come in, though, and there's stiffness in the way he holds himself. "Is there any message from our Master?"

Yagen breathes out slowly. "No," he says, and it comes way quieter than he'd like. "Taishou's last message was four days ago, and I had already showed it to you."

The message hadn't been long, nor had it been detailed. It had been a notice, to say the least, that their Master would be gone for a while longer, and a request for several of their resident swords to oversee the maintenance for all Konnosukes. Nothing of it could quell the restlessness growing in the Citadel as they all wait.

Hasebe steps in, finally, and strides towards the couch Yagen is sitting on. He takes the sheet of paper from Yagen's hand with a sigh. "With the way the Citadel is, we should be fine for another month before that woman has to come."

 _That woman._ Their second Saniwa, who only came to provide spiritual energy to maintain their Citadel every time they lost a Master until they gain a new one. Efficient and yet disgruntled to be there, but still Yagen can't find it in himself to fault her.

He doesn't try to correct Hasebe's pessimism, though. Whether or not their current Master would return is, after all, yet to be seen. Yagen tells himself not to wish, because his wish doesn't matter. It's the Saniwa's wish that matters--if they wish to leave, then they would just have to accept it. Again.

So instead, he says, "Are you going to help me assigning tasks or not," and watches Hasebe sighs in exasperation.

This morning, though, Hasebe doesn't grouch over how the Saniwa hadn't let him tidy up the room, and Yagen isn't sure what to make of that.

**\-----o0o-----**

It starts raining nonstop the next day.

Iwatooshi and Shishiou leads a project with the Tantous to make teru teru bouzu and hang them on every possible part of the Citadel, Konnosukes' protests be damned. Gotou and Houchou drop by the work room to hand Yagen a pile of clean rags, a stack of old newspaper and a ball of wool, telling him that he has to finish making at least thirty-five of teru teru bouzu before dinner. Yagen doesn't scowl at them because they look really excited about the project, but he does scowl at the materials because he still has a hundred other reports to review.

"You could refuse to do it," Mikazuki says lightly when he comes over to return an encyclopedia. "Tell your brothers that you're busy today."

"I could," Yagen answers, and draws a face on the teru teru bouzu even as he continues reading a report.

Mikazuki smiles. "Your attempt at distancing yourself has been quite lacking lately. No wonder Ichi-ya seems happy."

Yagen looks up, warily eyeing Mikazuki. "I don't--" he trails off, because it would be a lie, to actually say he isn't trying to distance himself from everyone. It's just that it's safer in the long run, not to be too attached to others, because at the very end, they're swords, aren't they? Their lives belong to the battlefield, where it could end anytime. "Look, Mikazuki, I don't mean to--"

The familiar slow old man laughter echoes in the corners of the work room. "Yagen Toushirou," Mikazuki says, sounding amused. "While your brothers are very understanding about your choice of attitude, many of us have learned to perceive the kindness in it. Certainly none of us would begrudge you of it."

There's the fascination that Yagen knows well as he watches the older sword glide around the room, marveling at the way Mikazuki's silhouette seems to dance after his figure, reaching for the door to slide it open.

"That's not to say," Mikazuki continues, head tilting back to catch Yagen's eyes. "That it isn't heartening to finally see you move to close that distance. Even if it is subconsciously done."

The door slides close behind Mikazuki, leaving Yagen to stare in bewilderment at it, listening to the echoing old man laugh trailing in from outside.

**\-----o0o-----**

The rain doesn't let up even after three days. Their Citadel is draped all over with teru teru bouzu that don't work their magic. Several Konnosukes would try taking down some of the teru teru bouzu hanging in locations hindering their work, but Yagen doesn't say anything despite knowing one of the resident swords would just put it back up later in the day.

Then on the fourth day, the screen over the Saniwa's desk blinks with a message.

It's ten at night and Yagen has Ichigo accompanying him to work through some Citadel maintenance reports. They both startle at the unfamiliar beep of the message notification--Yagen hasn't heard it in about a week--and after exchanging glances with Ichigo, he rises to his feet and checks the screen.

Somewhere in his mind, Yagen recognizes the slow dread as he opens the message, thinking of worst case scenarios. A notice that they would have another replacement Saniwa, perhaps. Or maybe a message from their current Master that he could no longer come back. Or maybe it's not too bad, maybe it's just another one that would tell them that the Saniwa would be gone for a while longer--

The message loads open. Yagen blinks.

"Yagen?" Ichigo prompts hesitantly from the couch. "What is it?"

He stares at the heading of the message mutely, baffled and surprised at the same time.

It's a mission missive.

**\-----o0o-----**

The missive is of the highest lev of urgency, detailing an assassination mission order--the end of the third year of Keio, where it has been determined that the Revisionists have been tipping the knowledge of tuberculosis cure to an old doctor who has a hand in treating Okita Souji of Shinsengumi. The aim would be to keep two objectives accurate to history: the death of Okiya Souji in the first month of the fourth year of Keio, and to keep the knowledge of tuberculosis cure from circulatin before its time.

"That's strange," Ichigo frowns. "Didn't our Master say that no one is to be given any mission while he's away?"

"He did," Yagen swallows back the uncertainty clawing up his throat as he read the last line of the missive, one that he knows is attached at the end of every mission missive: _Failure to respond to mission would be sanctioned by the divestment of Saniwa status and disposal of Citadel and its residents._ "But this is certainly a mission missive. We can't just ignore this."

The line of Ichigo's lips is thin. "We should wait for our Master's return before responding. You can't just order anyone to sortie--"

"I won't be," Yagen says, because the answer is clear to him. He looks up, stares at Ichigo, and watches as realization dawns on his brother.

It's an assassination order, one that needs to be carried secretly, and sending out a Tantou would be a logical choice.

"Yagen, that's reckless," Ichigo protests. "We barely have information on the situation. At least take a unit."

"It's assassination," Yagen counters, bbes back an argument of _I'm not taking any of our brothers to sortie in a full unit. Never again._ "This makes for a solo mission, Ichi-nii."

"The Revisionists have been acting outside of our predictions lately. That's why we've been having difficulties completing our missions." Ichigo's hand finds Yagen's shoulder, fingers digging in painfully, desperately, _fearfully_. "You know that. You know, Yagen, more than anyone else."

"Ichi-nii..."

"I won't let you," Ichigo says forcefully. His eyebrows are drawn in together, frustration clear in his face, but his eyes are filled with fear. "They can't just impose sanctions on us. Our Master said that no one would be sent out on any mission while he's gone. It's not like we're resisting orders."

When Ichigo Hitofuri gets stubborn, there's no talking him out of it. Yagen knows, better than anyone else. Or perhaps it's just the fact that Ichigo's hand is trembling, even as he clutches on the fabric of Yagen's white robe, and Yagen can't stand to see his brother like this.

He breathes out, lets his lips curve into a soft smile.

"Alright," he says, covers a hand over Ichigo's own. "Alright, Ichi-nii. Let's wait for Taishou, yeah?"

The sight of relief breaking across Ichigo's face makes his chest ache.

**\-----o0o-----**

Konnosuke gives him a disapproving look, but leaps after him into the warp chamber. "I'm not going to defend you if Ichigo Hitofuri gets mad."

"If I get back before lunch tomorrow, he wouldn't need to know," Yagen replies, watching the edges of the chamber glow as he waits for the warp to start. "It's a simple assassination mission. I have done similar missions by myself before."

"Well," Konnosuke says in exasperation. "As long as you're not forcing yourself, since Saniwa--"

The rest of Konnosuke's words vanish into the buzzing wind and the bright light as the warp starts, and Yagen closes his eyes as everything whites out.

**\-----o0o-----**

Here's the thing about solo mission: when it goes south, it tends to go south very, very fast.

Yagen swallows, throat as dry as the desert as he holds his breath and tries to stay as silent as possible under the shadow of roof. Assassination missions are supposed to be easy, quick, and clean--that's why Tantous are the best choices for it--but when the target of said assassination turns out to be a human possessed by the enemy's fallen sword's spirit, there's nothing easy, quick, or clean about it. Not when the target is capable of superhuman combat abilities _and_ summoning reinforcements.

Reinforcements that don't disappear even when Yagen finally manages to kill his target.

"Konnosuke," he mutters, the words mere thin wisps of air from his lips. "How many of the enemies are left?"

It's rather worrying, to hear the slightest inflection of breathlessness and panic in Konnosuke's voice. "Of the twenty-five summoned, last kill count was at nineteen. There should be six left--" the kitsune draws a sharp breath, ears perking up. "Yagen-san, this is bad. I think I hear them heading towards the hospital."

Yagen swears under his breath. "Any chance of derailing them?"

"Not unless we catch their attention and distract them away. There's an open field nearby--" Konnosuke pauses, turns to Yagen with worried eyes. "It would be too dangerous. You would be left very open and disadvantaged, even if it is a night battle."

His blood thrums in his ears--part of him recognizes the thrill of the prospect. "It's that or letting them rampage at the hospital."

"Yagen-san, you're up against two Yaris, a Tachi, and three Wakizashis. Even with the length of battle experience you have--"

"I can't let them reach the hospital," Yagen says, and before he could stop himself, his mind finishes: _that would reflect really badly on Taishou._ "The odds aren't good, but I'll take it."

Konnosuke groans. "I wish all of you would stop taking reckless choices like this!"

Yagen leaps up onto the roof, racing towards the hospital, heart hammering in fast staccato that echo in his ears. He could take out Wakizashis and a Tachi, no problem. He just has to be careful facing the Yaris, and then he'd go home. He'd promised to come back, after all, and he's still the Secretary.

He has to be there when his Master returns.

**\-----o0o-----**

Yagen Toushirou prides himself on a lot of things.

His loyalty, first and foremost. His strength, because he's one of the few Tantou who grew up in battlefields. His curiosity, because it leads him to learn of many fascinating things. His stubborn determination to accomplish what he has set out to do.

One of those things, Ichigo had once told him, half-fondly and half-exasperated, would probably land him in trouble one day.

Not his loyalty, never his loyalty. It's what drives him into focus the most--what sharpens his instincts to block a Wakizashi's assault, parrying the second and sidestepping the Tachi's attack, using the momentum to drive the Tachi's sword into the Wakizashi's chest, killing it in the process. He reverses his grip on his own blade and pushes through, snapping his wrist as his blade slash through the Tachi's side smoothly, drawing an inhuman screech as the Tachi falls. Not dead, not yet, and Yagen has to dance away from a charging Yari who comes barreling in, the tip of the Yari's blade kissing his chest as it tears his jacket open, leaving a line of blood across his torso.

It isn't going to be his strength that would land him in trouble either. If anything, it's his strength that keeps him alive--he parries a heavy slash from the Yari, makes a quick footwork to twist around and kick at the Wakizashi's blade that sneaks from behind. He has to pay the price of the Yari blade scraping against his back as he turns away, but it's better than having a Wakizashi blade stuck in his spine. Yagen ducks under the Yari, leaps away towards the still-fallen Tachi and finishes it with a well-aimed thrust on the back of its head.

The other Yari growls, swinging its spear wide towards him, and Yagen jumps, light feet skittering on the blade of the spear, using it as a platform to somersault over the Yari's head, barely flinching when the Yari follows by slashing upwards, catching his side. In the spray of his own blood, Yagen buries his blade into the neck of the Yari, planting both his feet on its back before pushing away, taking his blade with him and watches the Yari dissolves into dark shadows.

Three down, three left. A yari and two wakizashi. His side throbs, his jacket torn and drenched with blood, and yet Yagen can't help the grin, all heat and desire for more and more and _more_. "Good," he snarls a rough laugh. "My blood is _boiling_."

Perhaps it would be his curiosity that lands him in trouble one day, but definitely not now. There isn't exactly time for curiosity when Yagen _breathes_ blood, the scent of tang and iron thick at the back of his throat as he meets the blade of a Wakizashi, pushing himself to move faster when a second one joins in. His blade sings in the night breeze, sounding beautiful and satisfied, and Yagen disregards the first Wakizashi's blade that buries itself deep in his shoulder in favor of beheading the second one. It dissolves into dark shadows around him, disgustingly thick, forcing him to leap back least it hinders his sight.

"Yagen-san!" he hears Konnosuke, right as the last Yari's blade comes on him again. He blocks it, gritting his teeth as the blades sing. "Yagen-san, please fall back! We have reinforcements coming!!"

Reinforcements. Good news. And yet, Yagen thinks as he pushes away and dances out of the Wakizashi's lethal thrust, he could probably finish this. He started this mission after all, disregarding his brother's pleas, and it's only right that he should see it through to the end--

And in the end, it is his stubborn determination that lands him in trouble.

He trips over the Yari's spear as he tries to jump up to dodge it, and the blade goes clean through his leg. He screams, pain whiting out everything for a moment, and that's enough of a distraction for the Wakizashi's blade to drive itself into his throat.

Yagen gurgles, sees, smells, and tastes red.

He thinks of Ichigo's hands, bloodied as it clutches his own, thinks of the long rows of _gravestones_ at the furthest corner of the backyard, smeared with fading red and carved with names. He thinks of Honebami's frown, Gokotai's pitter-patter tears, Midare's pout. He thinks of the swing of Namazuo's ponytail, the glint of Hakata's glasses, the curl of Mouri's bangs. He thinks of the medicine storage room and Tsurumaru barging in to hide from someone else's wrath, of the kitchen and Kasen's warm meals, of the dining room alight with Jiroumaru and Nihongou's drunken laughter.

He thinks of Horikawa and _"I didn't know you could smile like that,"_ and Mikazuki and _"Certainly none of us would begrudge you of it."_

He wishes he could go back.

There's shouting, from somewhere behind him as he finally hits the ground, but before his vision submits to the darkness, he catches a breathtaking sight of a storm of sakura petals, flurrying away to reveal a familiar dark blue cape--

Yagen chokes on the first syllable of his brother's name, and everything turns dark.

**\-----o0o-----**

That he wakes up at all is a surprise, even to himself.

No one is around. The smell of herbs and sterile medicine is thick in the air--the first signs telling him that he is in the infirmary. He shifts under the blankets, winces his entire body twinges with not-quite-pain, and groans before giving up and resorting to stare at the ceiling.

"You're awake."

Yagen startles at the unexpected voice. He cranes his head, tries to get a good look, and sees Konnosuke curling by the end of his futon, paws scratching head idly. Yagen opens his mouth, tries to say, "How long," but it comes out as a rough "H'ng l'ng," and god, his throat hurts.

Konnosuke leaps up, padding towards the head of Yagen's futon and nudging small bowl of ice chips closer to Yagen's head. Tiny paws push an ice chip against Yagen's lips, and Yagen obediently opens his mouth, taking it in. It's only after the fifth chip that he could clear his throat and finally croak, "How long?"

"Four days," Konnosuke replies, tilting his head. "Do you remember what happened?"

Yagen furrows his eyebrows.

"You were critically wounded. I told you to fall back because reinforcement is coming, but you didn't listen. You lost a leg, had a blade through your throat, your right side is torn open. You would have died if it weren't for the protective charm you had."

Yagen stares at Konnosuke mutely for a long moment.

"You're mad," he rasps, almost astonished, and gets himself a soft smack from a tiny paw.

"Of course I'm mad, Yagen-san! I told you to fall back! I was there as your support, what good would I be if you don't listen to me?" Konnosuke huffs, and it really shouldn't come across as cute, but Yagen doesn't know any other way to describe it. "You owe me the best abura-age the next time the second unit sorties!"

It's impossible not to smile a little at the tirade. "I'm sorry," Yagen croaks, tries to clear his throat when his voice vanishes on the second syllable. Konnosuke pushes another ice chip to his mouth, and Yagen obediently takes it. "I'm sorry, Konnosuke. I'll listen to you next time, really."

"You'd better," Konnosuke humphs, feeds Yagen one more ice chip before shifting up to his tiny feet. "It's a good thing the Saniwa happened to come back when you're away. They noticed that you're in trouble once they got in, and went after us themselves to help."

Yagen startles. "Taishou is back?"

Konnosuke gives him a look. "Do you think you would have all your limbs intact if Saniwa isn't back here to fix you?"

**\-----o0o-----**

His Master is, actually, properly back. Settled down and taken charge of the Citadel like always, in fact, and still finds time to come down to visit him minutes after Konnosuke leaves to inform them that Yagen is awake.

"I'm glad you're awake, Yagen-san."

Yagen expects anger. Disappointment, perhaps, because he's clearly caused a lot of trouble for the Saniwa. What he sees, and doesn't expect, is sadness.

"I thought I had made it clear that no one is to be sent out for any mission during my absence."

His Master sits by his futon, a perfect seiza that almost makes Yagen forget that the current Saniwa is much, much younger than him. There's sadness reflected in their eyes, not a trace of the anger nor the disappointment that Yagen had expected, and really, it only makes him feel that much worse.

"I'm sorry," Yagen says, voice barely above a whisper. "The mission missive came, and I--Taishou, you were away for longer than I thought. I couldn't risk--"

"The disposal of this Citadel. I understand," the Saniwa nods, the lines of their face darkening. "I apologize. It was a mistake of the higher-ups--I had requested them to not send this Citadel any mission while I was away, but they made a mistake in noting when exactly I am supposed to be back. It was not supposed to be sent that very day."

Yagen's lips curl in a wry smile. "Well, at least that's one thing done with. One less thing to worry about, Taishou."

The Saniwa stares at him sadly for a long moment. "Yagen-san, you are not an acceptable price for the mission's accomplishment," they pause, shake their head, and rephrase, "for _any_ mission. Did you forget about my vow, the day I came here?"

Yagen closes his eyes. "I wouldn't ever forget, Taishou."

"Then you should know that it includes you," the Saniwa says. One hand finds Yagen's shoulder over the blankets, patting softly. "Just as you would be hurt if we lose anyone else in this Citadel, everyone would be hurt if we lose you, too."

Yagen stares at the ceiling, tries to catch the lines of spiderwebs on its corners. "I had been lost, once," he whispers quietly. "This life is a miracle you give me, Taishous. You might not be the one to summon me, but it's your power I live off of now. If it's your order--if it's for you--"

"Yagen-san," the Saniwa cuts him, and they sound so very sad, Yagen's chest aches at the sound of his name. "There's nothing in this world that is worth your life. Not even me."

Yagen turns to his Master, eyes wide with panic. "Taishou--"

"I know that your loyalty is your legend," and for the first time since the Saniwa came into the infirmary, they smile. "I am thankful to have it, Yagen-san. And of course, I will be counting on it in the future. You are one of my swords, and my role is to command you. But the miracle that is this life given to you is not one to give back to me. It's yours, therefore for you. To make memories, to find precious things, to forge bonds with others and create new stories. It is how the past connects to future--it has always been."

The Saniwa slips a hand under the blankets, searches Yagen's own and holds it gently.

"That is our role, isn't it? That's why we are protecting history."

Yagen tastes salt. He doesn't know when he started crying silently, but he did, and now he couldn't stop.

"This time, it's half my fault since I was gone for a long while and did not send you any word," the smile has a touch of guilt, now, and Yagen opens his mouth to disagree, but his Master shake their head. "It was irresponsible of me. Ichigo Hitofuri had been right in getting angry at me for that--all of this would have been easily avoided if I had just regularly checked in with you. From now on, if I were to be absent for a long period of time, I will do so."

Yagen blinks, the last of his tears escaping the corner of his eyes. "Ichi-nii is...?"

The Saniwa gives him a sheepish laugh. "He was livid, both at me and you. For good reasons, too. When I got back, he was pacing angrily in my work room, and he told me everything that happened befofe demanding me to take him and go after you. I have never seen him so scared before."

Yagen feels his face burn. He turns away, avoids the Saniwa's gaze, and mutters, "He worries too mugh."

"For good reason," the Saniwa repeats, smiling. "I had to directly order him to stay out of this room before you regain consciousness. He's been sleeping in the hallway, one of your brothers accompanies him every night. They even come and eat their meals in the hallway." The Saniwa pauses, glancing briefly at the door in amusement. "I still haven't told him that you're awake. Should I?"

Yagen groans. "Might as well. The sooner I face his wrath, the better."

His Master rises to their feet with a laugh, their steps a soft paddings on the tatami floor as they walk towards the door. "Well then, Yagen-san," they bide, smile seemingly twice lighter than it had been earlier. "Please feel better soon. The second unit has refused to sortie out without you, and I would like to be able to count on your strength sooner rather than later."

Yagen gazes at the small figure--all spiritual power and wisdom way beyond their years, and somehow, the question feels much easier to ask now: "Taishou? Are you staying?"

The Saniwa pauses in sliding the door open, turning slightly to look at Yagen, and Yagen is thankful that they don't need him to tell them what's left unsaid.

Their answer is a confident smile.

"Yes, I am."

The door slides close.

**\-----o0o-----**

Surprisingly, it isn't Ichigo Hitofuri who comes in first to the infirmary afterwards.

It's Atsushi instead, giving Yagen a critical look that clearly spells _dear god, you fucked up_ , and sits by Yagen's futon to feed him ice chips. He doesn't say anything, and that's how Yagen knows how pissed Atsushi actually is, until he finally gives up and mumbles, "I'm sorry."

"That wasn't cool," Atsushi tells him, brows furrowed. "You have no idea how worried everyone is."

Yagen stares at him--this tenth Atsushi, who had only been here for no longer than five months. Something in him aches, because even as he tries to keep himself from getting too attached to his brothers, all he ever wants to to see them smile. "Sorry," he mumbles, again, and closes his eyes because they start to burn. "I'm sorry."

"Ichi-nii is so unbelievably mad at you."

"I know," he takes a slow breath, tries to blink away the heat beneath his eyelids. "I deserve it."

Atsushi presses another ice chip to the corner of his mouth. "You have so much to make up to."

Yagen smiles. "When I get out," he says softly, "let's all make a blanket fort."

Atsushi's eyes bulge.

"Serious?!"

And it's so, so worth it to see the wide grin break across his brother's face.

**\-----o0o-----**

His brothers visit, bringing in odd knick-knacks they somehow think would make a great get-well present. Gokotai tries to leave one of his tiger cubs to keep Yagen warm ("I don't need it, Goko. Really."), Midare gives him a necklace with some kind of jewel that's supposed to be good for healing, Hakata gives him a koban ("Thanks...?"), Shinano and Houchou sneaks in hamburger steaks they had needled Shokudaikiri to cook, and Hirano brings in brewed herbal tea recommended for helping with pain. There are assortments of snacks from Akita, bottles of milk from Gotou, a knitted rabbit doll from Honebami, a bunch of folded cranes strung together courtesy of Maeda, and various books that Mouri and Namazuo leaves him ("...please don't leave questionable books in the pile."). Yagen looks at the small pile they make fondly, and makes himself remember the first, second, third, and so on of each of his brothers, and thinks, _I love them._

Ichigo Hitofuri comes bearing nothing but a deep frown and anger as he closes the door behind him. Yagen, sitting propped with a lot of pillows, looks up at him and smiles softly.

Ichigo crumbles to his knees by Yagen's side, arms reaching out to draw him into an embrace, burying his face at the crook of Yagen's neck, and starts crying.

"Don't leave," his brother blubbers into his collarbone. "Yagen, please--"

Yagen buries his face into the light blue strands of Ichigo's hair, hides his own tears into them, and nods because he doesn't trust himself to speak.

Ichigo's fingers clutch at the fabric of Yagen's infirmary yukata, knuckles almost as white as the cotton as he shudders undone in Yagen's arms, all tears and desperation and fear, and Yagen wraps his arms around Ichigo's shoulders and tremble himself.

He's back. He's home.

**\-----o0o-----**

"You've been crying," Ichigo says hoarsely, fingers tilting Yagen's chin up so he could examine the red rimming Yagen's eyes. Yagen averts his gaze.

"You're one to talk, Ichi-nii."

Ichigo gives him a soft smile. "But you look different," he tells Yagen, pulls him closer to lean against his side. "Brighter. Happier. Did something happen?"

"Mm," Yagen turns, presses his face against Ichigo's torso to hide a light blush. "I got told off."

"I suppose everyone gave you a piece of their mind."

"And," Yagen mumbles, words muffled into the fabric of Ichigo's clothes. "That it's okay to treasure my life."

It's brief, barely there, but Yagen feels Ichigo's breath stutter. He closes his eyes, doesn't try to keep the smile form curving over his lips, and finishes, "I want to believe."

Ichigo's arm around him tightens ever-so-slightly. Yagen shifts, pulls away briefly to look up and catch Ichigo's eyes, holding them with conviction.

"That's why you don't have to worry, Ichi-nii," he says. "I'll always come back. I don't make promises I don't intend to keep."

He sees Ichigo's eyes brimming with tears, but the smile on his brother's lips is one of the happiest he's ever seen.

"I believe you," Ichigo answers, and Yagen replies with a laugh.

**\-----o0o-----**

The day he's released from the infirmary, Iwatooshi sweeps him up onto his shoulders and runs off to the inner garden. Yagen yelps, demands to be put down, but Kashuu and Imanotsurugi jogs past them with laughter trailing behind, and Yagen catches Konnosuke leaping onto the top of his head. "If you don't hurry, the meat will all be gone!"

Turns out Shokudaikiri and Kasen have a grill out in the inner garden because it's the final day of harvest. It's barbecue evening for the entire Citadel, with fresh meat and vegetables and fruits on sticks, and everyone has a plate on their hands heaped with food and warm satisfaction. Even their Master is there, picking on the meat on the grill by Ookurikara's side, looking up in time to meet Yagen's eyes and grin brightly. Yagen feels dazed for a second--when had he last seen the Citadel so full and happy? Laughter is someone he's grown familiar to hear, but it seems to echo endlessly today, and the memory of battlefields had never been so far away.

Iwatooshi deposits him by Ichigo's side on the engawa, immediately taking off again with a boisterous laugh, this time with Hotarumaru on his shoulders.

Ichigo hands him a plate heaped with food. "Eat something."

Yagen chuckles. "I'm actually full," he says honestly, and it doesn't matter that Ichigo is giving him weird looks because he isn't actually referring to his stomach. This warmth, this sense of companionship is what he had been so scared to reach out and take.

"Your stomach is growling," Ichigo points out, amused. "Eat. You're going to need the energy and make good on a promise tonight."

Yagen blinks. "Huh?"

Ichigo smile, and glances across the garden towards where the Awataguchi main room is.

"Yagen!!"

He sees it even before his name is called out. The pile of blankets and pillows constructing a small mountain, the scattered plush dolls and cushions spilling out to the engawa. His brothers, sprawled all over, all laughter and excitement as they wave and scramble to their feet, Yagen's name spilling out of their lips.

On his other side, Honebami puts a piece of grilled chicken onto Yagen's plate. "They're making you King of the Fort," he informs Yagen, and that startles Yagen into a laugh.

"What does that even mean," he shakes his head. Honebami smiles softly. Ichigo nudges the plate to Yagen once more, and Yagen gives up, taking a piece of meat on his plate and brings it to his mouth.

The flavor that bursts inside him is warm.

And up above, the clear blue sky after long rainy days stretches on forever.

**\-----o0o-----**

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't actually properly proofread this because I'm so tired so if you find any glaring mistakes feel free to poke me about it thank you!!


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